Oh Baby!

No, not a sex post. Quite literally a rant. Last week for the holidays I threw a Christmas Eve party then I went to my uncle's for Christmas itself. I'm a decent cook. People have hired me in the past to cater. Not since the Great Recession, but they have. I can still get a houseful for Christmas Eve dinner and have barely any leftovers.

The rant is not about my food, but really a set up to the story. Every time my uncle, (yes, the uncle who loves his wife and made his New Year's resolution "one more year without Viagra") tries my food, he proclaims "we need to find you a husband stat". This of course gets annoying at family dinner when I typically bring the dessert.

Since my uncle also makes proclamations such as "we need to ship all the foreigners out of the country" in front of his Korean wife I take this with a grain of salt.

However, if I hear one more statement along these lines:

• "when do you plan on getting married?"


• "are you dating anyone?"


• "you just aren't looking in the right place"


• "you should really try to get out there"


• "are you sure you are content, you know you only have a few years left before you can't have kids" or my favorite of the weekend


• "well, its a good thing you don't want to have kids, you won't be able to find anyone in 2 years anyway"

I'm going to scream. Clearly, it was not just my uncle this weekend, but friends too. Friends with lovely children and marriages and happy families. I get it. You want the same for me. Thank you, but stop.

For the record....undecided on kids does not mean, I don't want them. It means undecided.

And not out there? I hostess speeddating weekly. Come on people!

Since when was 30 the deadline for children?

Why I Will Never Be Promoted

I'm sick and I have been for a few days. I went to Charlotte for work on Tuesday and came back last night (Wednesday) still sick. Before I left for Charlotte, my boss told me to try an Irish whiskey at the airport (if I am into drinking). It is apparently his wife's fool proof cold remedy.

Last night I call my boss' voicemail at 7 p.m. I have been home approximately 5 minutes and have had no alcohol.

Me: Hi, this um, Char...., um, I mean, Too Good For You. Charlotte went well. I'm still clearly sick. I'm gonna take your wife's recommendation and drink an Irish whiskey and go to bed and not set my alarm. I will be to work about 10 am or 11 am. Noon at the latest. But, I can never sleep in with a dog. Call if you need anything, 703.....oh crap I changed my number recently and I forgot it. Its on the call list.

This morning.....he clearly thought I was drunk when I left that voicemail.

What have I done in the last month?

At least I made some money back....

Match gave me a full refund yesterday. Why? Becuase of this letter....

Dear Customer Service Rep,

Today I was sent this Website, http://www.howmuchdidshecost.com/. Clicking through it I get the humor of the age old question....how much do men spend on women, and does that equal sex? As a nice little experiment I estimate what the last guy I dated (who I found on match.com). I never had sex with him because while dating him for one month, he not only had two rows of bottom teeth but he also used my toothbrush for those shark teeth while we dated without asking. These were his least offensive traits of which he had many. You may be asking yourself why I settled on him in the first place. I suppose because while I went out with plenty of men on match.com he didn't cry on the first date, he asked a few reciprocal questions, and he didn't actually text me 30 minutes prior bailing, and he even showed up.

So, I use Website http://www.howmuchdidshecost.com/ and see that because I didn't sleep with him and yes, he did pay for a few drinks and gas money to go to a free museum that he could have saved his cash and used it on a Nevada prostitute. While, this is not only offensive to be told that by a Website, it offended me more that it is sponsored by your company who I spent money on to meet winners like shark teeth. If this Website is being circulated around the Internet it is no surprise the quality of men who are directed to it and why I met so many less than wonderful matches.

I am requesting a full refund for the three months that I prepaid and also would like to cancel my membership immediately.

Sincerely,

Too Good for You

Oh ladies....

I've been hosting speeddating a lot lately. Once, sometimes, twice a week. I don't mind, its extra cash and really, what would I be doing otherwise...happy hour and fishing. This way I just get paid to do so. As a general pattern in recent weeks I've had more men then women signing up. Sometimes I can even out the numbers by convincing friends to attend. Other times, I just to get flirt with guys. There are much worse second jobs.

I've given the men a hard time with tip sheets of what not to do in 4 minutes while meeting dates. Ladies: its your turn. I've been hearing all the dirty details lately. Some of it makes me shake my head.

1. Don't ask: how many babies do you want?

2. Don't ask: what car do you drive? Do you rent or own? What was your gross annual 2008 income?

3. Or tell the man about your spending vices and what you wanted to buy and bought at Bloomingdale's and if you dated if you could borrow his credit card.

4. If you don't like him, fine, but going to the bathroom right at that moment....so rude.

5. Tell him you are only there because you are my friend and you really just want to leave. Ladies....you know who you are.

6. I'm a klutz. Its a well known fact. But if you break your wine glass by knocking it over speeddating cause you are trashed. Please don't stand up and say "hey! I need help over here. where is that busboy? omg."

7. Discuss your last abusive boyfriend, in tears, who just dumped you, via text, that day, and then proceed to show him the text.

8. In fact, your phone should not be part of your 4 minute date at all. It should be in your purse.

9. Ask me directly beforehand....in front of all the guys, "can I leave? these guys are ugly and old"

10. Please if you are so drunk you feel like you are going to puke. Just leave. Puking on the table...its a hassle.

A College Girl Does Her First Walk of Shame

Everyone has been there. Men and women alike. The diagram is awesome, but they forget the step where you stop to get a bagel or 7-11 for vitamin water.

A College Girl Does Her First Walk of Shame

Dirty Old Men

A few weeks ago Twat'zee! and I went to happy hour. She had just got off a miserable train ride from seeing her hot rugby player who lives out of town. She was tired and in need of vodka. As we chatted and got caught up over fried cheese and drinks, an older man (think 60ish) sits down, Anchorman.

I recognize Anchorman and have talked to him a few times, but he is completely smitten with Twat'zee! Really, who wouldn't be? After chatting with her for 30 minutes they exchange numbers. Twat'zee! is in search of new job opportunities and who knows, Anchorman might have some contacts who can help.

He leaves and Twat'zee! and I continue catching up. We are heading to catch cabs when Anchorman stops us on the street. He had run home to burn us both CDs. The music on the CDs include such favorites as Jeremih - Birthday Sex, and Beyoncé - Naughty Girl.

I've seen Anchorman twice in the last month since the CD incident, including last night. This is something I'm pretending never happened.

So true...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Unlimited Texting

Best feature with my cell phone plan besides unlimited texting is blocking people from texting.

Next guy to be blocked....a guy I met (met is a relative term) on Match. We have been texting back and forth for about a month. Yes, that means he overlapped Baby Shark. You have to keep your options open.

I'm not sure what the hell is game is...

He will text the day of to hang out. This rarely if ever works out even for my closest friends. I don't have a packed schedule, per se, but its not necessarily completely open either. Yesterday he texted and I couldn't hang out. He asked why. I replied "I have a condo meeting and I'm getting drinks with a friend." (Friend is my neighbor and drinks are at home, but whatever.)

Today he texts again and asked for tomorrow night and I replied "not sure, will let you know shortly". He replies, "why are you so busy? sushi and drinks."

We have made plans two times and I'm wary to give away a Friday night for this pattern of behavior. He bailed one time, w/out call or text when I told him to meet me at speeddating bar and he never showed. No big deal, cause I was busy anyway. This weekend he texted and was like, just come to my PARENTS instead for wine so we can meet each other out of the bar scene. Um, no.

I'm actually getting tired of his random texts. They are annoying me. Especially since I've never met this guy and one morning last week he was texting, "I would sure like to cuddle you in my bed then move to...." You get the picture. Unfortunately he is really cute. Do all the cute ones live with their parents and have the inability to make plans?

Shark week

In a moment of I want to date lots of men who are not in my usual circles (aka my speeddating regulars) I put myself on match. It seems just about every other friend of mine has had a moment of online dating. I went out with several guys. Some good, some bad, some very very very ugly (oh photoshop, the wonders you do).

For the last month, I dated a guy who we will call Baby Shark. Who knew when I put my tagline on match "live every week like its shark week" from 30 Rock, I would literally attract men with 2 rows of bottom teeth. I so wish I was joking.

Baby Shark and I went out and a date on Sunday night. I know, Sunday Funday, but with Baby Shark Sunday like Saturday and Friday and Wednesday, meant 1 drink day. Dinner in itself is interesting. He tells me that he likes my tats and wants one of a dolphin. No really. We struggle for conversation. He asks nothing of my recent trip to Denver or how my dinner is or week even. He stares off into space for long periods of time. I even think there must be a tv showing a football game on because I lose his attention fully for a good 5 minutes. (Alas, no, we are outside.) At some point he is trying his soup better, to get flavor, by eating it with his eyes closed.

Baby Shark and I are back at my place. He uses my bathroom and when he comes out informs me: I hope you don't mind, I used your toothbrush to brush my teeth.

(Slight caveat....I have issues with people sharing even toothpaste with me. I realize this is a hangup and part of being OCD, but come on! He used my toothbrush! Yuck! And he has 2 rows of bottom teeth! Double yuck!!)

In true form, I didn't dump him right there on the spot, but only when he asked me to attend a Nats game with his work and work spouses this upcoming Saturday. Um, thanks, but no, only if I am drunk and hitting on your boss is that likely to happen.

Monday Metro Ride

Monday's are never fun. But this metro commute made me say wtf repeatedly.

• At bus stop. Woman who I've never met before asks me if her clothes match. Sure, they did, but if not would she have gone back home to change? Then asked if her makeup looked ok. Sure, but again, I've never met you before so in comparison to what?

• On metro. Besides the normal people who stand in front of the door and refuse to step off to let people out....we have the always popular pole leaner. To get my point across....I knuckle him in the back, and might have kicked him in the shin. The elf next to me was laughing at me.

• Walk to work. Woman is giving homeless man money. Homeless man: Check out my blog.

• Walk to work. There is a man riding this bicycle.

• Walk to work. Homeless man telling another homeless man: You see that game yesterday? I remember watching the Redskins in prison.

• Walk to work. Homeless woman tries to save me.

• I need Starbucks.